Out to eat...

One of my favorite books on parenting, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" by Dr. Wendy Mogel, gives a little bit of insight into some of the anxiety I experience when I am in a restaurant with my kids.


When someone starts to act up, complain, do something I just really don't want them to do, I often think to myself "why can't you just be like (that random kid who is somehow behaving over there)!" And then, "what am I doing wrong?? This mom over there . . ." and the comparing begins.

Here is one of my favorite parts of Dr. Mogel's book, addressing what is "normal" in children:

"It helps to know that the psychiatric definition of “normal” is quite broad. In a landmark study of temperament, researchers Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas found a wide range of normal variations in children’s natures that were obvious even in infancy. Some of the attributes they studied included:

• Emotional intensity: some babies rarely whimper and are easily pacified, while others are often frustrated or upset and will howl for hours.
• Persistence: some are easily redirected to a new activity and will take no for an answer, while others refuse to cooperate and will fight to continue in their chosen activity.
• Flexibility: some children adapt easily to change, surprise, or a break from routine, while others will resolutely reject anything new, such as toast cut in triangles instead of rectangles.
• Sensitivity: some children are easily disturbed by loud noises, smells, rough or slimy textures, or tags on clothing. These children are often also highly perceptive and aware of emotional nuances or visual details. They are the ones who notice your shifting moods, a rainbow in the gutter, Mom’s new earrings, or the letter X formed by spaghetti strands.
• Energy: some children thrash around when sleeping, can’t pass a door frame without jumping up to touch the header, spill their milk at every meal, and can’t tolerate long car rides. Others will sit and play quietly for hours and move slowly when it is time to switch to a new activity.
• In first reactions to new situations, such as new food, a new car seat, or a new playmate, some children are always wary, while others plunge right in.
• Mood: some are happy and optimistic, others serious or bristly.
• Sociability: some children are more solitary and private and refuel by solitary activities such as playing Nintendo. Others refuel by being with people; they share thoughts and feelings easily, make others feel comfortable, and love to talk. These are the children who will follow you to the bathroom and stand right outside the door keeping up a nonstop monologue.

Too often parents interpret a child’s behavior as rebelliousness when in fact she is just being true to her nature . . . One of the most generous gifts you can give your child is to study her temperament, and once you’ve learned it, work to accept it."

And I would add, not just accept it, but adapt to it. My kids seem to struggle when out to eat mostly because of their varied levels of emotional intensity, energy and reactions to new situations. Knowing that they are acting like a normal child is such a helpful reminder for me, especially in public situations. Accepting this normal behavior helps me to be more patient with them and myself, and when I am feeling patient instead of overwhelmed and frustrated, I can handle the situation so much better. 

For example, my daughter (20 months) is very emotional right now when frustrated. While some kids can be redirected and they will calm down, this little one is NOT in that boat. I can accept the fact that her emotional intensity falls within the "normal" range (and honestly is not too bad, she doesn't cry for hours, more like minutes) and figure out what does help. My husband is great at this. He recognizes when she just needs to leave the chapel at church and take a walk around the hallways for a minute, while I still struggle and try to appease, redirect, etc before realizing I am only making things worse for her, myself, and everyone trying to worship around me. I'm sure the whole congregation is thankful for him in those moments :)